Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Drive Home

The drive home from St. Louis on Sunday was rough.

I was about 10 miles down the road when Ryan mentioned me stopping by his work. Driving away from Ryan never feels like the right direction, and I needed coffee anyway, so I flipped the car around and swung by his work.

We visited for a while, but it inevitably came time for me to go.

So I got in the car to leave and cried almost all the way home. By the time I stopped crying, Ryan was off work and called me to brainstorm ways to get me moved to St. Louis as soon as possible. Which made me cry harder...I didn't stop until I was 15 miles from home. I had a fierce headache the next morning from all of that.

I've been applying for jobs up in St. Louis, but I'm sure everyone (especially Em, we've both got communication degrees in a tough market!) knows how long finding a new job can take. Ryan and I are hoping that I can write the scripts I write now at least part time from St. Louis and find another part-time job to supplement my income. He mentioned that we had been doing this distance thing for 3.5-4 months now. It feels like it's been 5 years.

My point is...I was never a crier before. I was the girl who cried maybe twice a year, and now I cry once a week. None of this is Ryan's fault, and I feel that by being upset about leaving every week, I make it so much harder on him. I'm just really disappointed in the way I'm handling this. Lots of people have to do long-distance for much longer periods of time than this, and they don't get to see each other every weekend like Ryan and I do. I had this image in my head of me as this strong, ass-kicking woman and I don't feel that way anymore. I feel weak, I feel like I should be able to handle all of this better than I am. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy, talk to him everyday, e-mails, etc, and I still act like a spoiled 2-year old when it comes time to say goodbye.

So I'm trying to get up to St. Louis ASAP, but until then, I have got to get it together and be a woman about this!

Sorry to be a downer, but this blog is a record of my wedding planning process, and I'd be lying to you all if I acted like it was all pretty dresses and roses.

Has your wedding planning process been tough for any particular reason?


  1. Oh gosh, I know exactly what you mean by "driving away from him never feels like the right direction"! I was just thinking on Sunday on my drive back to school that it still hasn't gotten any easier after almost 3 years of it. I hope you're able to find a job soon! I have until May. :(

  2. I know exactly how you feel. We've been long distance for 4 months and it feels like YEARS. I'm trying to finish up my grad degree and he has a post doc in another city. We still see each other every other week, but it is still tough.

    It's added stress trying to graduate and plan a wedding, it must be the same with looking for a job. Some days it feels like it just won't work out, but other days it feel good. So try to concentrate on those days.

  3. I know what you mean too!! We've only been doing it for almost 4 months now, but it seems like forever. I just keep remembering there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I get to go up there in December for good!
    But leaving is the hardest part, and it seems like your bad days are magnified times 100, and honestly...just cry. For me anyways I usually feel better.
    I'm here if you need to chat or vent! I know how bad it sucks =]

  4. I went through something similar I was in college in ohio and my husband was in CA for work (4 years)...I cried everytime I had to say goodbye. But now we are married and living together and it makes this time we have together so much better because it wasnt always easy. I believe it sucks but you'll get through it and be a better couple for it!

  5. A few months after we started dated my fiance moved about 2 hours away to Orlando for a summer internship. We were horrible at dating long distance and his mom even jokes that he spent more time in Gainesville than Orlando that summer. I definitely understand what its like to cry the entire way home and I hope we can get you to St. Louis ASAP!

  6. I've never had to be LD from Mr Pug, so it's hard for me to realize how much it sucks!!!!!!! Hugs!!! If I hear of antyhing in STL I'll let you know.
    -Miss Pug

  7. Just because you are sad about leaving your guy doesn't make you any less of a strong, ass-kicking woman! Its a tough situation you are dealing with so if crying is how you express your sadness, frustration, whatever, so be it. No need to be hard on yourself on top of that.
    I cried about 90% of the time at our goodbyes. I even cried at immigration officer one time! All he had to ask was why I had been visiting Canada and I started bawling :)
    Hang in there friend! Thinking about you!

  8. Hope it all works out in the end.

    I'll keep my eyes and ears peeled for any marketing/communications jobs - I work in the industry in town, so I'll let you know if I hear anything!

  9. You poor thing. Good byes are the worst! But it makes the hellos even better.

  10. Thanks for the shout out, fellow Coms-grad! Seriously, this market is for the birds!

    As for the LD stuff, you basically have two choices. Either continue to be sad and upset that you're so far apart, or make a decision to just push through it with a smile. Even if it's through gritted teeth. It's hard, I know. You want to be mad at the world and say "Why me?" But that doesn't make you a pleasant person to be around. And I should know, I *was* that person. I sulked and moped and got pissed at life. But these are the cards you've been dealt.

    I'm actually incredibly thankful that I went through the LDR with Josh. I appreciate the time with him so much more. And the best feeling, the BEST feeling, is that first Sunday you spend together that you don't have to drive away. I still tear up thinking about it. You guys will get through this, and if you ever want to cry/vent/whatever, I'm here :)

  11. I completely understand how you are feeling. Kyle and I were long distance for 3 years... 3 YEARS! We drove back and forth every weekend (2 hours in each direction). It was always incredibly hard to leave. During the week I just had to keep myself really really busy. Sure.. I cried.. I also made sure to get a cat. Animals do help (I don't know if you have one). But when I felt sad I would just hold her and cry (I know I sound pathetic). It helped. If you ever need someone to talk to... I'm here! gchat girl! Even if it is only for a few minutes, or just to say hi!

    Pretty soon ya'll will be married and you won't be able to get rid of him! Look forward to that and it will get you through. :-)

  12. Oh Stacy my heart breaks for you when I read this! How awful to have to leave the man of your dreams, over and over again. It's like a bad dream. My BFF in college had the same situation and she cried each and every time he left. I even cry occasionally now when I know Jeff is leaving just for a weekend. It's what we do; it's how we deal. I hope reading all of the comments on your blog makes you feel better.


Hearing from you all makes my day!