The drive home from St. Louis on Sunday was rough.
I was about 10 miles down the road when Ryan mentioned me stopping by his work. Driving away from Ryan never feels like the right direction, and I needed coffee anyway, so I flipped the car around and swung by his work.
We visited for a while, but it inevitably came time for me to go.
So I got in the car to leave and cried almost all the way home. By the time I stopped crying, Ryan was off work and called me to brainstorm ways to get me moved to St. Louis as soon as possible. Which made me cry harder...I didn't stop until I was 15 miles from home. I had a fierce headache the next morning from all of that.
I've been applying for jobs up in St. Louis, but I'm sure everyone (especially Em, we've both got communication degrees in a tough market!) knows how long finding a new job can take. Ryan and I are hoping that I can write the scripts I write now at least part time from St. Louis and find another part-time job to supplement my income. He mentioned that we had been doing this distance thing for 3.5-4 months now. It feels like it's been 5 years.
My point is...I was never a crier before. I was the girl who cried maybe twice a year, and now I cry once a week. None of this is Ryan's fault, and I feel that by being upset about leaving every week, I make it so much harder on him. I'm just really disappointed in the way I'm handling this. Lots of people have to do long-distance for much longer periods of time than this, and they don't get to see each other every weekend like Ryan and I do. I had this image in my head of me as this strong, ass-kicking woman and I don't feel that way anymore. I feel weak, I feel like I should be able to handle all of this better than I am. I'm doing everything I can to stay busy, talk to him everyday, e-mails, etc, and I still act like a spoiled 2-year old when it comes time to say goodbye.
So I'm trying to get up to St. Louis ASAP, but until then, I have got to get it together and be a woman about this!
Sorry to be a downer, but this blog is a record of my wedding planning process, and I'd be lying to you all if I acted like it was all pretty dresses and roses.
Has your wedding planning process been tough for any particular reason?