Things We Are Not Doing

Things we are not doing....

Favors.

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Because we're feeding them a delicious meal, and I don't feel like messing with it...but these are really cute.

Wedding party transportation.

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Because it's not in the budget.

Tuxedoes.

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Because Ryan hates tuxes, and it'd look silly to have the groomsmen in tuxes and not the groom. Plus, we wanted to save our groomsmen the rental fee (pretty much all of them have black suits or are in need of a new one).

Flower Girl/Ringbearer.

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Ryan thinks I'll change my mind, but there are so many little ones in the family, I just don't want to pick favorites.

Besides, if I can't have my handsome man Henry or my pretty girl Mia, then I don't know if I want anyone else!

Henry

Mia

We're also not doing Out Of Town bags.

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Because I am lazy and don't want to mess with it. If I could afford to put something worthwhile in them, then I would think about it, but I can't, so no biggie.

A reception dress.

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Because you all have witnessed the almighty struggle I've had shopping for 1 dress, I don't even want to think about shopping for a second one!

The only thing I really wish we could do was have my dog Henry and my parent's dog Mia be the flower girl and ring bearer, but I think that it would be way too stressful for both of them, and I don't want to put them through that.

What are you not doing?

Words to Plan By

I am turning this into my wedding bible! It's Meg's wedding graduate post from A Practical Wedding. This is the best advice I have stumbled across so far.

• When people ask you if "you might regret such and such a choice..." say no. And move on. Because if you make a choice that is authentic to who you and your partner are, I can emphatically tell you that you won't regret it. Period.
• Gut-check. By the week before the wedding, I was making all my decisions by instantaneous gut-check, "What seems right for us? Ok, done," no second guessing. It's easy to loose track of this during the planning process, but if you're not sure about something, check your gut, and then go with it. I think your gut is where your heart lives.
• Keeping people on a need-to-know basis is fine sometimes. It's not just that it's easier to apologize than to ask permission, but that people will be so caught up in the joy of your wedding day that little things that might worry them before hand won't bother them at all on the day of.
• Learn how to kindly but firmly say no. If you know deep down that something is just not right for you, be kind but firm, it will save you endless heartache in the end. Maybe you learn this in wedding planning because its the single best preparation for adult life that there is.
• It's ok to cry. I wasn't always explicit about this on the blog, but I found wedding planning to be a difficult at times. It was also one of the great learning experiences of my life, but frankly, learning sort of blows sometimes. The thing about weddings is they are this complex mix of families, friendship, faith, values, aesthetics, cultural assumptions, other peoples expectations, and oh yeah, love. So while weddings often bring out the best in people, sometimes they bring out the worst. I can admit now that I spent more than one night in the planning process crying myself to sleep. And I wasn't crying because my flowers didn't match my linens, I was crying because of Big Life Issues the wedding brought up. So if Big Life Issues come up when your planning, let yourself cry and work through them. Its not silly, it means that you're grappling with important things in a major life transition.
  
• Share it with your partner. Saying, "It's your partner's day too," has become cliche in progressive wedding circles, but it's true. But let me say this: your partner might not care about or think about the wedding in the same way you do, and that's a good thing. This is probably one of the first really huge projects you take on with your partner, so work on modeling the same collaboration and respect that you'd like to see when you take on other projects together, like say, raising children or buying a house. And yes, if you are fiery like we are, you'll yell at each other a bit too, which is So. Normal.
• Find a way to keep yourself grounded. One of the things I wish I'd realized going into wedding weekend is that your wedding is not a totally free pass. Family tensions will still be family tensions, someone will get stressed and yell, and that person who always acts a little weird at parties may act a little weird. But the bottom line is, for one weekend none of it is your problem. Let it go, move on, stay grounded. For me this was one biggest challenges of the weekend, but also the most spiritually rewarding.
• Focus on the Ceremony. Sometimes the ceremony gets lost in the shuffle, because it's not pretty, or because it's emotionally complicated. But this is why everyone is there, this is how it all starts, and this is what changes you forever. No matter how traditional or non-traditional you want your ceremony to be, think about it, talk about it, and make sure it feels like it's yours. Make sure you both feel like you can live inside it, as your truest selves.
• Show Up. When the ceremony starts, you need to be THERE. Even if it makes you sob, even if it makes you laugh, even if someone just yelled at you, even if something major just went wrong. Be fully present, because you only get to live this once.
• Lead your guests by your example. (This is the single best piece of wedding advice I have): When you're planning, you spend a lot of time worrying about which choices will matter, and which choices will not. Well, it turns out that the thing that will shape your wedding day the most is free: your attitude. If you are joyful, present, and relaxed your guests will follow your lead.
• Get. A. Wedding. Stage Manager. You can't be in charge the day of the wedding, no, no, no. Get someone else to be in charge of the organizational details, even if they just take your cell phone from you as you walk up the courthouse steps. Lots of people will tell you that this means you need to hire someone to run the day of, but you don't. Having a friend manage our weekend made us able to bliss out, and it filled the day with a depth of care and joy that we could never have bought.
• Honeymoon (right after the wedding), if you can. By honeymoon, I mean find a way to get away from your regular life for a bit, which could mean a staycation or a big trip. I firmly believe that a inexpensive honeymoon right away is more important then saving for something lavish later. Honeymoons are magic things, and you have the rest of your lives for great vacations. Honeymoons give you and your partner some time to absorb the enormity of what happened, to replenish yourself, and to just be in a giddy bubble of joy together. And do what you want. We went on a big adventure, when everyone thought we should lie on the beach. Trust me, you'll be able to bliss out *anywhere* afterwards.
• And finally, remember the FUN. About 80% of wedding media, both online and in print focuses on aesthetics. And caring about aesthetics is great, up to a point. Make things authentic, make sure they feel like you... and then think about having fun. No one has ever left a wedding saying, "That party was so fun! Did you see the hand lettering on the favors??" No. At a great party, no one even notices the favors because they are so busy dancing/drinking/chatting/catching up/feeling overjoyed for the wedding couple/laughing/eating/telling stories/making memories. And remember, having fun isn't complicated (We're playing twister! We're doing a scavenger hunt!) It's easy. It's good people, good conversation, maybe some good food and wine, maybe some music, and two people who love each other joining their lives together. I know our wedding was successful because I keep accidentally referring to our reception as 'the party.' Remember when we danced to that song at the party? Remember that joke someone made at the party? And you know what? It was the best party I've ever been to.

I need to learn how to say no "kindly but firmly." And I need to keep in mind that it's OK to cry...because Meg is right, this wedding planning stuff has brought up so many major life things for Ryan and I to deal with.

What's the best wedding/planning advice you've been given?

One More

My sister Allison is my maid of honor.

When I was shopping with both of my sister's, Mary and Alli, this weekend, Mary said something that made me stop and think. She mentioned that when she gets married, she won't be able to choose between me and Alli for her maid of honor, so she'd just have both of us be the maids of honor.

I thought about it all day. She's right!

So Sunday night, I made sure it was OK with Alli and asked Mary if she would like to be a maid of honor as well.

So now I have two, and I couldn't be happier about it!

By the way, here's Mary in Europe this summer. What's so funny, you might ask?


She just fed a squirrel, and she was really pumped about it.


Now I can force my jock sister to participate in mind-numbing crafting events! *cue evil laugh*

I won't really, but it's funny to threaten Mary with it. I also threatened to make her the flower girl, which was equally hilarious.

Did you switch up your wedding party plans unexpectedly?

Wedding Ceremony Scripting

I write scripts for a living, and I'm having to reign myself in to not view our ceremony as a script I need to get hammered out!

I've got it saved in a Google Doc, and every time I see something I like, I shamelessly squirrel it away. I'm taking my time with the ceremony, and I am loving it.

When we met with our officiant, who is the pastor at a Unitarian Universalist church we go to whenever we can, he gave us a basic outline and told us to run with it. Everything is up to us--the vows, the readings, the order, everything. I was raised Catholic, where all the choice you really get is with the readings, so when he told us that I felt like he had given me a big fat present with a bow on top.

Ryan hasn't expressed much interest in the ceremony, but he will of course approve everything and is welcome to add whatever he wants. Anyway, here's what I have so far, and please remember that is a work in progress!

Prelude

Processional

Presentation of the Couple/Intentions
--The pastor said some couples do this really neat thing with their parents, where the pastor talks about how they are forming their own new family, etc. He said that the parents almost always get a lot out of it, so I'm thinking we might do something in this vein. I'm not a fan of "do you Mr. Smith present yourself to be joined with..."...um, duh, that's why we're here!

Opening Words
Do you, invited here to witness Stacy and Ryan's matrimonial vows, pledge to support and affirm their union as a community committed to their spiritual and ethical well-being as a couple publicly affirmed as husband and wife?
(This sounds a little formal to me, I want to loosen it up a bit)

Reading
--Ruth 1:16
"Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following you, for where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God."

Affirmation of Marriage

The estate of matrimony is an exalted one indeed. But one that is as full of humor and gladness as it is solemnity and sanctity. I urge you to embrace the absurdity of life as well as its gravity. Be sure you laugh as much as you cry.

Successful marriages are those in which the husband and wife reverence both communion and independence.

Be prepared to compromise, but not at the expense of your deepest convictions. Trust that you have chosen wisely and treat one another compassionately. Accept that while love is of critical importanct, it is not quite enough. Commitment is paramount. Commit yourselves to your union and dedicate your love to the covenant of your marriage.
(I still need to clean this up a bit)

Vows

Exchange of Rings

Blessing
--Apache Blessing

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter of the other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be a warmth to the other.

Now you are 2 bodies, but there is only 1 life before you.

Go now to your dwelling place, to enter your days together

And may your days be good and long upon the earth.
Declaration of Marriage

Kiss

I do want to add another reading, I just have so many that I like and I can't choose! I also want to add something in there about how not everyone can get legally married, and that we look forward to the day when everyone has that right. Some people in my extended family won't like it, but it's not their wedding.

The pastor said most ceremonies are about 30 minutes max, and I think that sounds about right. I haven't even started on the vows yet, I am having a hard time finding anything that comes close to what I will promise Ryan and how I feel about him.

Are you putting together your own ceremony?

To Bee or Not to Bee

I am a big Weddingbee Fan.

I started reading it back in September. Um yeah, I didn't get engaged until April! I had an idea of what I wanted, and I started researching on the web to see if it was attainable for me. I didn't want to get my hopes set up for a Forest Park affair if I couldn't afford it (I couldn't!), so I started seeing what was within reach for Ryan and I.

Weddingbee was one of the first websites I found, and I've been hooked ever since. I've thought a lot lately about if I want to try to blog for them. I know it's really hard to get picked. I can't apply until 8 months out, which would be October, and I'm pretty torn on if I want to try for it or not. I love blogging, I've had a blast doing this, and it's so nice to go back through and read through past posts and have an illustrated journal of what I've been up to. I take way more pictures now, and I love having this record of my life to look back on.

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What's holding me back from Weddingbee is mainly their stance on the LGBQT community. There aren't any same-sex bees, and the company is owned by E-Harmony. I'm a huge supporter of the LGBQT community, and Ryan and I are getting married in the Unitarian Univeralist church, which is a leader in the fight for equality for the LGBQT community, because we feel strongly that people are born that way and deserve to be treated as such, and not as freaks or as people choosing to live a "bad" lifestyle. I don't feel good about helping to make E-Harmony money (they are huge proponents of Focus on the Family, and I am not). I don't feel that Weddingbee is as welcoming toward same-sex couples as they are to heterosexual couples. There is a conspicuous lack of same-sex bees, and there are very few same-sex members on the boards.

Anyway, I don't know if my involvement (if I was even chosen, which is quite the long shot) would actually make any money for E-Harmony, but I am trepidatious about helping their business to grow in any way. I don't know how I feel about participating in a community that (in my opinion) is not welcoming to LBGQT couples. I do know that I love following the Bees and have gotten so many ideas from them, and I would love to give St. Louis a voice on Weddingbee. There aren't any bees from this part of the country, and the boards are dead! I wonder if my involvement would encourage same sex couples to be more active and vocal on Weddingbee. In that case, I would be all about it.

I don't know. I have plenty of time to think about it. I also need to sit down and talk to Ryan. He's a very private person, and I don't think he would be entirely comfortable about me splashing our lives all over a huge blog, so we would need to see if he's comfortable with it and to set some guidelines of what he is OK with sharing and what he isn't.

What do you all think? Any Weddingbee applicants out there?

Things to Do with the People you Love

When my sister Alli and I were little, we loved to color. We had this great game called "Art Galley" where we would do our best coloring and trade pieces of art. One summer my parents took us to the beach for a week, and all we would do is color. Alli came home from work a few nights ago with these grown up coloring pages she had printed out, and we went to town!

Here's Alli picture, I nabbed the easy one and left her this super hard one. She was more than up for the challenge.

I can't even tell you how many pictures there are of us when we're younger just like this!


Here's my picture. I put the finished product up on mom and dad's fridge. All it needs is a gold star!


This was such a fun throw-back, and a great stress-reliever! We are definitely doing it again.

So what have you done with the people you love lately?

I just finished reading....

Q&A by Vikas Swarup, and it's now being published as Slumdog Millionaire.

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It was quite a bit different from the movie that was based on it, but it had the same general storyline. It was a super fast read, I did it in about 3 days and I didn't have a ton of time to sit down and read it. I actually think I liked the movie better, for once! Worth reading and a great story, but don't expect many similarities to the movie.

On a side note, if I were to do a "rock the reception" kind of a deal, I would totally do it to the end credits of Slumdog Millionaire. I can't figure out how to upload the video, but here's a link.

What have you read lately?