Friday, May 3, 2013


Weight.  Lately it's been too all consuming for me, and I just don't know how to make that stop.
I exercise regularly.  I'm not killing myself at the gym 2 hours a day, but I am routinely active every day.  I eat well, better than I even thought (food tracking showed me that much at least).  But a few years ago, these new hips showed up, and I still don't know what to do with them.  I logically know that I am not overweight, but emotionally I am having an increasingly difficult time KNOWING that.

I tried MyFitnessPal, setting the calorie goal far too low for any comfortable and made myself miserable for a month or so, losing my ability to eat when I was hungry and stop when full.  I'd be starving all day, then have 800 calories left I then felt the need to's not like they're going to roll over.  This just wore me out and I finally stopped.

Then I focused on just being regulary active-running, elliptical, workout DVDs.  But still I hated the way I looked.

So I gave LoseIt a try, this time setting the calorie goal to something where I'd lose weight slowly and NOT miserably.  I got within a pound of where I wanted to be, and still felt huge.  I did that in part to show myself that hitting the number on the scale wouldn't make it better, and I was right.

Now I'm in limbo.  My poor husband just wants me to be happy, and is encouraging me to work on body composition and try watching carbs/protein/fat instead of calories.  I dread getting back on the treadmill of tracking and obsessing so I'm hesitant.

What I struggle with most is why eating well and exercising on a regular basis isn't enough for me.  I know by now that what I see in the mirror isn't reality, and without that to trust I don't know where to turn or what to do.  I hate expending so much of my energy and brain power on this stupid cycle of self-loathing.  I wish I could rejoice in how my body moves and the good, whole foods I put into it, but I just keep hitting a roadblock.  I'm just not willing to put myself on an insanely restrictive diet but I'm not happy either.

Sigh.  I guess I need to psych myself up to give the composition game a try...maybe 3rd time would be the charm?

Anyone else struggle with body image and want to share?  Safe space ya'll!  And sorry to be such a gray cloud today...the farmer's market starts back up again tomorrow, I'm sure that will get me back to rights :)


  1. First of all, you look great-I was just thinking how small you looked when I saw a picture you posted on Instagram the other day! But, I get where you are coming from. In high school I was literally 20 (20!) pounds smaller than I am now and while I eat well and exercise regularly, I think it's safe to say that I will never be that small again. Maybe that is part of growing up? I don't know. I do know that my husband and I have recently started weight training for the first time, and while we'd hit a plateau in terms of weight, we are seeing differences in terms of how our bodies look, so maybe that would be worth a try? Sorry if this is not very helpful! I'm still trying to figure it out.

  2. I struggle with this as well. I have gained a bit of weight recently and am trying to track better mostly so my work pants fit.

    Last summer, I did a vegetarian version of Whole 30, which is mostly about eating protein, vegetables, and less processed food, and that helped a lot in my eating habits and how I viewed food. I also highly highly recommend the New Rules of Lifting for Women or another badass strength training program where you use dumbell weights and do squats and lunges. I have really big thighs and whenever I do lunges (which I hate) I at least feel like I like them more, even though they don't change. I feel like, for me, it helps to focus a lot on what my body can do, instead of how it looks. It still sucks sometimes.

    1. It is sounding like weight training is the golden key here; I went to the gym w/my husband on Sunday (he's a distance running coach so his office has a weight room, I lucked out!) and am going again today. Thanks for weighing in on this! The amount of messaging we get every day in terms of "how we should look" is staggering, it's no wonder we have a hard time focusing on "what our bodies can do" as opposed to how they look.

  3. OMG I have struggled with my weight and body since I hit puberty! I have a JLo booty and thighs for days, so I 100% understand. Unfortunately I have never been nor will I ever be a tiny thing like you (uh huh, you are TINY). We eat healthy and I exercise about 5 days a week- running and yoga. I refuse to weigh myself because I used to be REALLY obsessive about weighing (like 3 times a day...) I just learned that I can't look at the scale but have to go by how I feel and how my clothes fit. I also don't want to spend so much time obsessing that I spend my whole life worrying constantly- What did I do in my life? Oh I tried to be skinny...
    So this has provided no help for you whatsoever, but I totally understand.

  4. Hi Stacy! Echoing the previous commenters - you look fabulous! But body image is a tricky thing, and is very person-specific. I also highly recommend weight training and interval cardio. Post-baby I thought my body would never "change" and it did because of those two things. I also tracked what I ate on MyFitnessPal (mostly just to keep my sugar super super low and my protein super high) and I saw results. Honestly though, I am 18 days into a Whole30 and I love the results I'm seeing through it. No tracking whatsoever - I even deleted MyFitnessPal. Just eating quality foods and learning when you are full. Check out (they have an intro to the program for free on the website) or find It Starts with Food book at the library. I dropped 8-10 lbs in the first two weeks (though you're not supposed to weigh yourself), weight that had plateaued for last three months and I had finally accepted. I feel great too. I plan to reintroduce some grains and dairy into my diet afterwards, but it has been a great learning experience that I highly recommend!
    Sidenote: I also recommend finding something you just enjoy - it sounds like that is running for you. For me it is hot yoga. It doesn't even feel like a workout, it feels like "me time."
    Good luck with your journey and thanks for being brave to share it! Hopefully some of our tips and support help!


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