Weight. Lately it's been too all consuming for me, and I just don't know how to make that stop.
I exercise regularly. I'm not killing myself at the gym 2 hours a day, but I am routinely active every day. I eat well, better than I even thought (food tracking showed me that much at least). But a few years ago, these new hips showed up, and I still don't know what to do with them. I logically know that I am not overweight, but emotionally I am having an increasingly difficult time KNOWING that.
I tried MyFitnessPal, setting the calorie goal far too low for any comfortable and made myself miserable for a month or so, losing my ability to eat when I was hungry and stop when full. I'd be starving all day, then have 800 calories left I then felt the need to use....it's not like they're going to roll over. This just wore me out and I finally stopped.
Then I focused on just being regulary active-running, elliptical, workout DVDs. But still I hated the way I looked.
So I gave LoseIt a try, this time setting the calorie goal to something where I'd lose weight slowly and NOT miserably. I got within a pound of where I wanted to be, and still felt huge. I did that in part to show myself that hitting the number on the scale wouldn't make it better, and I was right.
Now I'm in limbo. My poor husband just wants me to be happy, and is encouraging me to work on body composition and try watching carbs/protein/fat instead of calories. I dread getting back on the treadmill of tracking and obsessing so I'm hesitant.
What I struggle with most is why eating well and exercising on a regular basis isn't enough for me. I know by now that what I see in the mirror isn't reality, and without that to trust I don't know where to turn or what to do. I hate expending so much of my energy and brain power on this stupid cycle of self-loathing. I wish I could rejoice in how my body moves and the good, whole foods I put into it, but I just keep hitting a roadblock. I'm just not willing to put myself on an insanely restrictive diet but I'm not happy either.
Sigh. I guess I need to psych myself up to give the composition game a try...maybe 3rd time would be the charm?
Anyone else struggle with body image and want to share? Safe space ya'll! And sorry to be such a gray cloud today...the farmer's market starts back up again tomorrow, I'm sure that will get me back to rights :)