Babies

Babies.  We're coming up against our 2 year anniversary in July and babies are on my mind.

I've gone back and forth about writing about this, but then I thought, "Hey, I can't be the ONLY one out there who has this on her mind", so why not.  I'll keep it somewhat general so it's not all "gross TMI".

I've known since I was 18 that I have fertility issues.  I had my yearly in April, and shared with my nurse practitioner Glenda that I had had a little "scare", and she said "what exactly are you waiting for?  Because it's going to be harder for you to get pregnant, and then staying pregnant might not be easy for you.  I don't want you to wait too long."

Ryan and I's initial game plan was kids by the time he's 30.  I just turned 26 in January, and Ryan turned 28 in April.  I know that fertility starts to go down for me at 30.  Glenda also reminded me that you have to take some time off of trying to get pregnant in between miscarriages, and I've been on the pill for years, so it might take a bit for things to get back in business.  So timeline wise, it's kind of scary looking.

I'm torn between wanting to wait until Ryan and I are ready and moving fast to beat out this potential fertility issue.  I know you're never ready, financially or otherwise, but I do want a honeymoon pre-baby (still haven't taken that) and I want the last bit of our student loans paid off (we are SO CLOSE!).  We're 2 years out from both.

Ryan wants to wait until he's settled career wise and until childcare and healthcare co-pays won't break our bank.  I respect that, and I pretty much agree completely.  At the same time, I feel like I'm fighting off this low level of panic, of what if we wait too long, what if you can't be a dad and I can't be a mom?  I know how much adoption costs, I know how much IVF costs, and I know there is no. way.  Baby shower invitations are starting to come in from friends, and every time I get one I wonder if in a few years getting a baby shower invitation will be really painful for me.  I wonder if seeing a pregnant belly will physically hurt me.

I know, worrying is the opposite of constructive.  And I might get knocked up no problem 24 hours after I cut off the BC.  But my biological clock is ticking and I'm scared.

I try to focus on eating well and exercising.  Since I quit smoking and started honoring my body, I've felt 10000x better.  I know that I'm doing everything I can now to facilitate a healthy pregnancy in the future.  I try to keep my eyes on that.

I am so thrilled for all of my preggo-friends out there (the last thing I want is for this to sound like I'm not!), and I can't wait to meet your little bundles of joy!  It's kind of crazy seeing friends transition into mothers, isn't it?

Anyone else have pre-baby thoughts on their mind?